Another Oscars has come and gone. And all I got were these lousy pillow marks on my cheek. What a snore.
First. Hugo. Who cares? I sure don't. In fact I could give a rats ass about the nominees and winners. As usual it's about what people are wearing and the expected witty banter thrown between presenters and host. Billy Crystal was not good. The only amusing presenters were Robert Downey Jr. partnered with Gwyneth Paltrow (who by the way looked delightful) and the unlikely duo of Emma Stone and Ben "enough already" Stiller. For the 5 minutes those four appeared on stage I was entertained.
There's always the death montage? Oh right that. I was more than a little surprised to have found out Cliff Robertson had died. But I suppose that happens when you're old. Speaking of people knocking on deaths door, a spry and charming Christopher Plummer made a delightful acceptance speech. That was a good part. As well he looked dapper in a velvet smoking jacket.
Which brings us to men's fashion. In general the men were adequate, if not a little bland. Christian Bale's patchy beard from last year seems to have come in nicely, and he's returned to his smoking hot self. Everyone else was a barely worth looking at.
With the not so helpful fashion commentary supplied by the irritating Nina Garcia and the predictable Tim Gunn, we were walked through their un-inspiring opinions of the night's couture. I lost all respect and interest in those two when in her dreadful accent Nina Garcia referred to Roony Mara's look as "Audrey Hepburn gone punk" Meanwhile Givenchy is rolling over in his grave.
My commentary would have gone something like this: "Peplums are rubbish." Both Tina Fey and Michelle Williams tried on this terrible idea for size. It did not fit either of them. Yet the press seems to be droning on about how phenomenal Michelle Williams looked. I don't see it. That tired old bleached head of hers detracts from everything she puts on. Right. We get it, you cut of all your hair, you're a serious actress. Other hair that looked dreadful was that of Penelope "mutt-ly" Cruz who's head did an unfortunately convincing impersonation of a 1950's housewife who's hot rollers shorted out.
As I recount the evening's events I realize that the only thing worse than looking awful is being totally forgettable. Sadly 80% of the evening has been lost in the depths of the cotton and unicorns which happily reside between my ears. Apart from a few misguided attempts at glamor, the Event Of The Year was wholly UN-eventful.
J.Lo - The Cell came out in 2000. The dress should have stayed on set.
Sandra Bullock - Jane Torvill and Christopher Dean looked better in their startlingly similar 1986 Olympic Ice Dancing costumes.
Stacey Kiebler - (Kimmy Gibbler) I can't get past your name, I dont care how tall and blonde you are.
Angelina Jolie - Who gives a crap about her leg, when her complexion is waxy and her arms are skeletal? Where exactly are those 10lbs the camera is supposed to add?
Emma Stone - Giambattista Valli couldn't save you this time. Uninspired.
These snap judgements brought to you from my High-horse. The one I'm sitting on while wearing Ugg boots and eating rice krispie squares.