I find it offensive

. . . offensive, that instagram has such a low opinion of me. 

The new instagram ads are currently the bane of my existence. The below is a sampling of the total garbage Instagram has targeted me with. 

1: Crocs - are you effing kidding me (see croc-a-doodle-eww)
2: Yellow Tail - sangria no less - finally suspicions about the dregs from leftover bottles being compiled into one vile vintage are confirmed.
3: shed-defender - i'm a cat person. fuck off.
4: weetabix - I'm gluten free. Kidding, but wheat makes me ultra gassy. Also: we da cyclists we da wtf? 

Instagram I loved you. every time i posted a pic of my little creations, then got a 'like' was akin to opening a wee pressie. Joy! Now - nightmares. Croc-wearing, yellow tail vomiting, dog hair gagging, convulsive farting nightmares. Sort out your algorithms for pete's sake. I WILL report the crap out of you. 

 

 

Haute Couture AW16

Relax. My bi-annual review of the Haute Couture shows is here.
It was a mixed bag. (see collage)

I’ll go as far as saying none of the collections were entirely terrible. Avant Garde to unintentionally comical (Maison Marigela) sure, predictably prom (Elie Saab) yes. But there was nothing overwhelmingly awful. Actually Guo Pei was hysterically awful.

Like I (and all fashion writers) always say – three makes a trend.  In the case of the ‘naked dress’ I think it’s safe to say it’s more of an epidemic. As usual we were beaten over the head with that tiresome look thanks to . . . almost everyone. In particular the lace and sequin encrusted numbers by Alexandre Vauthier, Zuhair Murad, and the bizarre "mother daughter" display from Elie Saab.

pomo-lizzy-anne.jpg

Giambattista Valli –  At long last a slight diversion from his stereotypical floral mini skirts. This time it was less mod and more modest – with high collars opaque tights and full sleeves. Somewhere between the opulent Romanovs and Victorian romance, GBV gave me hope. Even though he ended the show with his predictable froth of tulle. Siiigh.

J. Mendel - killed it . . . literally. There was a crap-ton of fur.  Having said that it was easily one of my favorite collections. 

Schiaparelli  - breathtaking, and not in a Jerry Seinfeld sort of way.  Elizabeth I ‘s court jester goes to Studio 54 by way of the Big Top.  There was a LOT going on – but done in a miraculously cohesive way. This is the only show I watched multiple times.

Maison Margiela – Possibly the only collection that didn’t deliberately reference an historical theme. Instead, like a seagull caught in a beer ring Galliano’s latest effort was tightly tangled in a fishing narrative. Like a mess of flotsam hauled up from the ocean floor, there were nets, plastic and semi-digested feathers adorning everything from slickers to bonnets.  I didn’t hate it.

Viktor & Rolf - One word; Hobo. The good kind. It was a rags to literal riches story. Think Hollywood’s Artful Dodger - complete with jaunty bedraggled top hat and pockets full of buttons and jewels. But with way more ruffles.

Valentino - Big news Maria Grazia Churi is leaving Pier Paolo Piccoli and Maison Valentino for Dior.  Here’s hoping the rock-stud shoes go with her. This will be their last Haute Couture show as co-creative directors.  The show was a blatant, albeit gorgeous nod to the fashion stylings of Elizabethan England.  The only thing missing was a chopping block and Anne of Cleaves (yes I know she wasn’t beheaded but I need a segue). 

And speaking of Cleaves . . . here are the trends as I see them.

Cleavage cut outs:
Several designers not so subtly pointed directly to the chesticles by way of triangular cut outs.

Elizabethan:
bloomers, ermine, full sleeves, corsets, tufting, tapestry the list goes on.

Victorian:
encompassing the full spectrum of the era from early vic with enormous full skirts, collapsed shoulders, and elongated bodices to the latter Vic of lace, high collars and puff sleeves.

Medieval:  
fur, Dalmatian sleeves, buttons, chainmaille(ish) 

Ruffs: 
Who needs a bib when you’ve got a ruff? As chic as they looked on the catwalk I couldn’t help drawing parallels between ruffs and these.

Puff Sleeves: 
Anne Shirley would’ve gone berserk for AW16 Haute Couture. Puff sleeves abound and in degrees from subdued to buoyant.

Pomo:
When the 70’s just won’t do. pastels to neon, power suits and un underlying vague element of sleaziness. The decade of excess ornament prevailed. Again.

Underpants:
It’s been 3 years. We get it. 

Cold Shoulders: 
After exposing pretty much everything, designers are hanging on for dear life to the exposed shoulder. And frankly, I can’t get enough. This season it was less about the cut-away and more about a subtle to dramatic slouch.

Collar Bones:  
Sweet-heart, scoop and square - wide necklines put those ever-so titillating clavicles on display.

Swashes of Taffeta:
it’s happening. see Pomo.

A collection of my top pics. If you agree with 50% of them you have superb taste. 

Swoon

The single worst thing to hit the catwalk since Rick Owens 'human backpack' fiasco. 

Gag

If some is good more is god awful - Guo Pei Haute Couture AW16

Valentines, sh-malentines con't

We want you're opinion. But only if its positive.

Not really - be honest, because lets face it, if people were all sweetness and light all the time it would be quite difficult to to take anyones opinion seriously. 

We've got fortune cookies with pick-up lines (bad ones obviously), lonely bubbles and a sappy scholastic heart. 

Like the classics? Shop them here: 

IMG_1104.JPG

Amazing Jar

I said it before and I'll say it again. If you don't like vocal fry and the word amazing The Bachelor is not the show for you. 

Jimmy Kimmel guest-bachelored on the show this past week and the unimaginable occurred. 

At long last. Jimmy Kimmel (and the shows producers?) took it upon themselves to tackle the amazing epidemic (see past blog post). People should be punished for unimaginative and flagrant use of the word amazing. Whether it be lashings or a monetary fine there must be consequences.  The Bachelor chose the more prime-time acceptable route and introduced a swear-jar directed at the overuse of amazing throughout the episode. 

I almost cried - and then called all my friends. I may have been more excited about this than my engagement.

Who doesn't love balloons?

Whether it's indifference, thundering hatred or an accidental pregnancy - there's a balloon card for the occasion.* 

For an astronomical fee these babies can be customizable. Imagine: "you're the worst, Kevin." "whatever Tiffany." or simply "crap". 

*cards are not yet pictured on site. if you wish to order just send me an email or a personal note with your order. Same pricing applies for below designs. 

Let's be honest.

In two short weeks you better have something to pull out of your ass at the 11th hour.

Mom: Sure she changed your soiled pampers and loves you unconditionally - but when push comes to Mother's Day those nostalgic tidbits get swept under the rug (just like the dust bunnies you were supposed to sweep up back in 1988). So in the spirit of being a sub-par child, stick to what you do best - the bare minimum. 

New Mother's Day card. It smacks of thoughtlessness and is 100% available - email@sayitwithsarcasm for deets. A sweeter Mother's Day card can be purchased here:

suck it up buttercup

The most dreaded day of the year is tomorrow people - whether you're the ill-prepared half of a doomed couple or just your average clueless twat; Valentine's Day is what nightmares are made of. Scrap the sentimentality, valentine cards aren't just for the ones you call Chipmunk - they're also for your embittered single friends. Tell them you "don't give a rat's ass" with a gentle reminder that they're alone, and if they keep up their whining they always will be.

Ah-MAZING - Ah, Spare me.

amaze verb \ə-ˈmāz\amazedamaz·ing

Hands down the most overused adjective in the past 2 years. I'm finding it increasingly grating. All I have to hear is that breath of air before the stalled "ah" and my eye begins twitching. "AH - MAAAZING!" - the national battle cry of 20-30 something women. Used to praise anything from a balled up pair of socks to skydiving. There's got to be a barometer for its use.

photo 1

photo 1

Things that aren't amazing:

  • your friend's homemade chutney - it's palatable and/or delicious.
  • a kitten pushing a shopping cart that carries another kitten - it's adorable and/or ridiculous.
  • a 40 year old flying down a slip and slide - it's hilarious and/or dangerous

Things that are amazing:

  • The Pyramids
  • Space travel (can also be filed under terrifying)
  • Surviving a cardiac arrest in a deserted parking-lot at the age of 35. (can also be filed under dumb luck)

Using a combination of shame and eye-rolls, I have successfully conditioned one friend (culprit) to curb her amazing usage - at least when she's around me.

Here's a list of synonyms to help break the cycle.

  • surprising
  • astonishing
  • astounding
  • shocking
  • startling
  • extraordinary
  • wonderful
  • marvelous
  • tremendous
  • remarkable
  • stunning  (runs a close second to amazing)
  • incredible (runs a close third to amazing)

Start listening/watching for the A-word in conversation, Instagram comments, Facebook status and tweets - you'll be sharing in my agony in no time.

Next up: Hashtags - Living with an addiction.

Blobs vs. Heels

As with Crocs, (gagging*) Tevas and the like serve a purpose. That purpose is to be hidden in nature and used on slippery rocky terrain. I maintain that these visually loathsome footwear choices are unnecessary in urban settings. Case in point - last weekend: Walking uphill, I overtook two women (roughly my age) wearing generic rubbery tready blobby things on their feet while I was wearing heels and a pacemaker. And there you have it.

The Defence rests.

Not Tevas.

Not Tevas.