Golden Globes 2017

Yes, I know I'm late to the review game. Better late than never I rarely say. Overall, my general thoughts were positive as the Golden Globes are inherently more interesting, fashion-wise, to the dumb ol' Oscars. And you can call me Tina if it isn't so. 

Below are my favorites and least, in no partcular order. 

My Top three: Center and from literal top to bottom - Louise Roe in Monique Lhuillier,  Caitriona Balfe in Delpozo and Ruth Negga in Louis Vuitton. Satellite favorites - counter-clockwise from left: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton, Annette Benning in Pamela Roland, Laura Dern in Burberry, and Natalie Portman in Prada. 

My Top three: Center and from literal top to bottom - Louise Roe in Monique Lhuillier,  Caitriona Balfe in Delpozo and Ruth Negga in Louis Vuitton. Satellite favorites - counter-clockwise from left: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton, Annette Benning in Pamela Roland, Laura Dern in Burberry, and Natalie Portman in Prada. 

Metallics, canaries & sternums oh my. The tiresome trends made their bi-yearly appearances on the red carpet. However there were exceptions to the sense-assaulting Zuhair Murads - notable metallics included Claire Foy, Ruth Negga and Anette Benning. Wearing Erdem, Louis Vuitton and Pamela Roland respectively. A notable yellow was worn by Jackie O, I mean Natalie Portman. Ahem. 

The White Wedding category: there were A LOT.

At long last I finally look like Sienna Miller. Or should I say she looks like me. This year she chose a look reminiscent of one of my bridal gown rejects (see above). 

  • SJP didn't  wear a terrible dress if you ignore its very literal reference to Carrie Bradshaw. 
  • Gillian Anderson, who despite a relatively unremarkable gown, was a vision of perfection.
  • Thandie Newton (remind me to tell you the story about how husband thinks he had a "moment" with her back in 2005) looked superb in Monse - taking the white theme away from the three-way-mirror and onto the red carpet thanks to a shimmering burst of amber sequins.
  • Louise Roe (last but certainly not least) wore a gown by Monique Lhuillier (a designer loved by bridesmaids the world over) and knocked it out of the park. This is the one instance exposed sternum + high slit worked beautifully. Do not try this at home - I promise, you will not pull it off. 

While many wore white and almost as many wore yellow a couple broke from the pack and did sublimely unique color. I'm still on the fence about Jessica Chastain's Wedgwood blue Prada, although my instinct is to love it. I'm no where near the fence in regards to Caitriona Balfe's two-tone navy and tomato  Delpozo. Subtle, dramatic and pinned together with just the right amount of sparkle. 

The One Trick Pony category: Almost as typical as their average dresses - Reese Witherspoon  and Amy Adams. yawning*          

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The Dog's Breakfast category:

Gucci (and the color pink) was not represented well by Felicity Jones and the disappointing and consistently terrible Zoe Saldana. Fortunately where Gucci failed Armani Privé-ailed. Mostly. The line was represented beautifully by a twinkling Noemi Harris, a velvety Theresa Palmer and a subtle Isabelle Huppert. At the opposite end of the Armani spectrum however, was the horrific custom gown on the cute-from-the-collar-bones-up Janelle Monáe.

Other notable mistakes included:

  • Anna Kendrick in a chestacular Vionnet. 
  • Casey Affleck - entirely due to his pubic hair  . . .  I mean facial hair. 
  • Carrie Underwood in Iris Serban and for continuing the plight of the color pink.  
  • If anyone can pull off Alexander McQueen RTW it's Nicole Kidman. Until now.
  • Sophie Turner: we all remember Judy Jetson right?

Bad outfit, shame on you. Horrible lighting, shame on the light tech. Was it the HD or the awful spots that made Steve Carell, Matt Damon & La La Land director Damien Chazelle look like they belonged in the ICU? Where some paled, others glowed. Perhaps an homage to Trump, perhaps poorly executed fake-and-bake - Either way Ryan Reynolds and Justin Theroux were an unappealing bordering-on-George-Hamilton shade of orange. Yeesh. 

So. What are we going to see at the Oscars, beside a whole lot of yawning? Because electric blue and red were at a minimum at the Golden Globes they will likely be at a maximum at the Academy Awards. Plus more yellow and emerald green. Think a primary school paint set. Also this isn't the last time we're going to see overindulgent slits. They just won't die. At least not before February 26th. Finally and predictably the Zuhair/Marchesa lace-metallic-sheer, kitchen sink dresses will be in abundance. I'm falling asleep just thinking about it.

Stay tuned and take every word I wrote as gospel. 

 

 

Sternum Watch 2014 con't - Met Gala

As usual, with unwashed hair and garbed in tattered denim, an American Apparel hoody and with no authority whatsoever I have the audacity to vomit out my picks and pans at this years Met Gala. The theme was something vague and everyone stuck to it expertly.

The Met Gala is a who’s who of  who’s wearing what.  From underwhelming, to inappropriate and back again the night was highly entertaining, even when viewed from across the continent and 12 hours after it took place.

The Trends: Sternums, slits, sheer skirts, side boob and exposed midriffs.  

The Worst:  

Rosamund Pike – horrific. That is all.  Sandra Lee (who?) wore a cross between Kim Basinger’s 1990 Oscar atrocity and a little girl’s dream come true.  The winner of my Terrible Choice Award was Lena Dunham. Seeing Giambattista Valli look god-awful was a first for me. Dunham looked dreadful in a dress that was so wholly unflattering, that when she took her shoes off it almost looked better.

The Misguided:

In a dress that belonged on a (albeit stylish) flight attendant in the mid 60’s , Michelle Williams looked meek and ineffectual as usual.  More than the dress I think it’s that feeble tight-lipped grin of hers that says, “You have to like me because I’m average – I’m just like you.” She could be stark naked and I’d still be yawning.

While we’re on the subject of total boredom, lets discuss the most overrated couple of 2014. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West smacked of averageness, wearing similar expressions reading as “we’re going through the motions” Kim had a not at all surprising strapless, slit-up-to-there navy dress designed by Who Cares while Kanye, looked adequate.  In my highly unprofessional opinion, I think it’s over between them. I think Kanye will be lucky if he makes it to the alter before he goes the way of Chris Humphries. Really, was it worth having a baby with a publicity stunt? That goes for both of you.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. We get it. You’re twins.  Wearing gorgeous gowns that would have looked better on anyone but them, their complimentary choices looked like they were 12 cats away from living in a derelict Georgian mansion. I imagine this is the type of outfit they’d live out their days in mourning should the other one die first. 

The Best:

In clashing pink separates, Emma Stone although harnessing three of the evening’s trends (mid riff , side boob and slit) looked effortlessly lovely. Her hair was only so so, but far better than the other unfortunate women who erred on the side of “bed head”. I’m talking to you Chloe Sevigny.

Lastly, besides being exceedingly thin, Kate Bosworth looked superb. Wearing a salmon slip dress with delicate and strategic slices across her rib cage, the ensemble embodied everything that’s good about simplicity.  Stella McCartney did it again. And then again on Cara Delavigne and then one more time on Rihanna.

Honorable mention:

Nice to see Andre Leon Tally in clothes that fit and not a parachute.

The end.

related article: Sternum watch 2014

Sternum Watch 2014

Just like Christmas, the Oscars involve a lot of hype, huge let-downs and loads of shiny stuff. Within the first 30 seconds the 86th Academy Awards were off to a significantly better start than the past two years. Ellen DeGeneres was a regular WC Fields in comparison to previous years hosts. Besides, Who doesn't love Ellen? 

The programming was slow, the musical numbers except for one were snores and the montages were only so-so. Ellen's pizza bit was moderately humorous, but she should have stuck to half the material. The a-list selfie that quite literally crashed Twitter was genius. And by genius I mean the genius of Samsung's marketing team. Ellen however pulled it off flawlessly. Even stoic Angelina Jolie hammed it up for the camera. Kevin Spacey out photo-bombed everyone. Whether he's referencing John Stamos and "Full House of Cards" or paying for pizza, the man is dignity, style and comedy personified.  

Kevin Spacey is just so damn debonair and I think I'm safe in saying he was the evening’s best-dressed man (honorable mention: Christophe Waltz). Having said that, Jordan Catalano is however a beautiful looking human. So beautiful in fact, that he bears a striking resemblance to a un-collagened Courtney Cox (circa 1990-ish). I think Jared Leto got a lot of attention last night simply because everyone was thrilled to see that he wasn’t wearing a man-bun.

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Laughing in the face of tradition, The Style Star of Oscar was Pharrell Williams. Whether in short pants standing next to his lengthy wife, in ruby sneakers or wearing his now signature paper bag hat, the ageless musician remains eternally cool. His song was hands down the best. Too bad Randy Newman won again for Disney. Wait . . . . what?

I apparently missed the subtlety of  Pharell’s sparkly trainers and a corseted Whoopie Goldberg hobbling on stage in crimson, jewel-encrusted platforms. Turns out it was the 75th anniversary of The Wizard of Oz. It wasn't until Pink appeared in front of a tornado wearing a red sequinned gown that I clued into the fact. The theme was rather weak in comparison to last years Bond nod. All of a sudden Liza Minnelli’s presence made a lot more sense. “Good job Sir.”

Really, the less said about the musical performances the better. Apart from Happy and maybe the Moon Song (which was at least well sung) the performances were average at best. And the tributes by Bette Midler and Pink were downright awful.

Speaking of music. I’ve never been a fan of U2 and maybe now even less so. They kick of the Predictions and Predictability section of my Oscar re-cap. Under the heading “enough already” sit; yawn inducing strapless gowns, Jack Nicholson chewing gum and U2. If Samuel L Jackson can leave his Kangol hat at home, Bono can dispense with the tinted glasses and The Edge can expose his scalp.

Predictions and Predictability

  1. Ear cuffs - Emma Watson and Lupita Nyong’o - honestly I thought there would be more. Tune in to the 87th Academy Awards.
  2. Cape - Kate Hudson and Camilla Alvez - Once again, I thought there would be more. See above.
  3. Color Blocking - No one. I was dead wrong on this.
  4. Carryovers from 2013 - I was 98% right.
  • Sternum - Lupita Nyong’o, Julia Roberts (the demure age-appropriate version) Charlize Theron, Kate Hudson, Pink, Julie Delpy and Karen O.
  • Exposed leg - Rocsi Diaz, Anna Kendrick, Kerry Washington, Nancy O’Dell
  • Emerald earrings - June Squibb, but she was the only one. 

General Observations -The Good the Bad and the God Awful.

Anna Kendrick picked up where Zoe Saldana left off last year. Throwing all kinds of trends on at once: exposed leg, exposed midriff -ish, exposed back, sheer detailing, confused neckline. Separately these trends may have has a fighting chance.

There were MANY instances of Bordering on Bridal : Kristen Bell, Giuliana Rancic, and Tara Lipinski* to name a handful - There’s a way to do white at the Oscars and they should’ve asked Portia De Rossi what that way was. She was wearing an intricate Moorish inspired cut-out gown by Saint Laurent. Just lovely. Maybe the loveliest of the evening.

varying degrees of successful nude dresses. From left to right and from meh to heck yes!

varying degrees of successful nude dresses. From left to right and from meh to heck yes!

Overall there was a significant amount of nude and/or sheer enhanced by sparkly bits. Notably: Cate Blanchette, Not notably: Angelina Jolie (poor choice for one with broad shoulders + huge rack) As usual the red carpet proved that there was no shortage of unimaginative strapless gowns ie: Sandra Bullock, Amy Adams, Viola Davis and jennifer Lawrence - who incidentally wore a backwards necklace again and “endearingly” tripped over something for the second year in a row. I’m buying this dorky girl next door act less and less.

Lupita Nyong’o managed to be every bit as charming as 2013's Jennifer Lawrence and still managed to come off as genuine. Her acceptance speech was delightful - best of the night. And Benedict Cumberbatch agreed by way of bawling his eyes out in the audience.

In Memorium

I love old movies, mainly musicals and mainly from the 50’s and 60’s. There were A LOT of deaths this year. I prepared myself for the worst - Peter O’Toole, Shirley Temple AND Esther Williams. COME ON! Childhood favorites. Zilch. Not a tear. I don’t know if it was the montage or what? Some would say it was my cold little black heart, but the fact remains: I felt nothing when Lawrence of Arabia flashed across the screen. I suppose the producers felt the same nothing and called Bette Midler in at the 11th hour to warble through Wind Beneath my Wings. You have got to be kidding me?  It was bloody awful and not-so shockingly, still not a tear in sight. A group of us were sitting quietly watching in disbelief. I wondered out loud, “Why is she flapping her arms?” Boyfriend answered: “Because people died Zenija.”

kim novak - before and way after - why do women do this?

kim novak - before and way after - why do women do this?

What was far sadder than the death montage was Kim Novak - whom I recognized immediately. But I didn’t know where from? There was something distinctly familiar about her (cheekbones, eyebrows)? Obviously there was an enormous amount of plastic surgery that wasn’t helping to jog my memory. But I narrowed it down to a 1960’s star and was on the right track when Twitter helpfully spilled the beans. There’s A LOT I want to say about this. But I’ll leave it at a melancholy sigh.

Until next year. 

*side note: how is Tara Lipinski a fashion critic? What did I miss, besides the wedding? 

Related articles/clips:

Predictions & predictability?

My hunches re: what's going to saunter, stumble and slither down the red-carpet at tonights Academy Awards.

  1. multiple earrings and/or opulent ear-embellished jewellery 
  2. capes - or cape-ish things
  3. color blocking 
  4. recurrence of last years trends c/o "the bandwagon" 
  • sternum circa 2013
  • leg circa 2012
  • emerald drop earrings circa 2011

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