I find it offensive

. . . offensive, that instagram has such a low opinion of me. 

The new instagram ads are currently the bane of my existence. The below is a sampling of the total garbage Instagram has targeted me with. 

1: Crocs - are you effing kidding me (see croc-a-doodle-eww)
2: Yellow Tail - sangria no less - finally suspicions about the dregs from leftover bottles being compiled into one vile vintage are confirmed.
3: shed-defender - i'm a cat person. fuck off.
4: weetabix - I'm gluten free. Kidding, but wheat makes me ultra gassy. Also: we da cyclists we da wtf? 

Instagram I loved you. every time i posted a pic of my little creations, then got a 'like' was akin to opening a wee pressie. Joy! Now - nightmares. Croc-wearing, yellow tail vomiting, dog hair gagging, convulsive farting nightmares. Sort out your algorithms for pete's sake. I WILL report the crap out of you. 

 

 

Is it bad . . .

That my favorite thing to do in the world is watch TV? I mean tonight for instance, I can't think of anything I'd rather do than turn on Arachnophobia and eat potato chips. Unless it was turn on Arachnophobia and eat Cheezies?

TV is the best. I can totally unwind - my mind goes blank (more blank than normal) and I can relax. It helps me sleep, it helps me forget, it makes me happy. It is my heroine. 

Here's the Arachnophobia Trailer. Tell me I'm crazy. 

Valentines, sh-malentines con't

We want you're opinion. But only if its positive.

Not really - be honest, because lets face it, if people were all sweetness and light all the time it would be quite difficult to to take anyones opinion seriously. 

We've got fortune cookies with pick-up lines (bad ones obviously), lonely bubbles and a sappy scholastic heart. 

Like the classics? Shop them here: 

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Amazing Jar

I said it before and I'll say it again. If you don't like vocal fry and the word amazing The Bachelor is not the show for you. 

Jimmy Kimmel guest-bachelored on the show this past week and the unimaginable occurred. 

At long last. Jimmy Kimmel (and the shows producers?) took it upon themselves to tackle the amazing epidemic (see past blog post). People should be punished for unimaginative and flagrant use of the word amazing. Whether it be lashings or a monetary fine there must be consequences.  The Bachelor chose the more prime-time acceptable route and introduced a swear-jar directed at the overuse of amazing throughout the episode. 

I almost cried - and then called all my friends. I may have been more excited about this than my engagement.

Who doesn't love balloons?

Whether it's indifference, thundering hatred or an accidental pregnancy - there's a balloon card for the occasion.* 

For an astronomical fee these babies can be customizable. Imagine: "you're the worst, Kevin." "whatever Tiffany." or simply "crap". 

*cards are not yet pictured on site. if you wish to order just send me an email or a personal note with your order. Same pricing applies for below designs. 

Let's be honest.

In two short weeks you better have something to pull out of your ass at the 11th hour.

Mom: Sure she changed your soiled pampers and loves you unconditionally - but when push comes to Mother's Day those nostalgic tidbits get swept under the rug (just like the dust bunnies you were supposed to sweep up back in 1988). So in the spirit of being a sub-par child, stick to what you do best - the bare minimum. 

New Mother's Day card. It smacks of thoughtlessness and is 100% available - email@sayitwithsarcasm for deets. A sweeter Mother's Day card can be purchased here:

suck it up buttercup

The most dreaded day of the year is tomorrow people - whether you're the ill-prepared half of a doomed couple or just your average clueless twat; Valentine's Day is what nightmares are made of. Scrap the sentimentality, valentine cards aren't just for the ones you call Chipmunk - they're also for your embittered single friends. Tell them you "don't give a rat's ass" with a gentle reminder that they're alone, and if they keep up their whining they always will be.

the remains of the day.

And that day was the 25th of December. 

It's over people. There are still macabre traces of Christmas. Notice this self-serving santa looming over a lynched snowman - obviously part of a love triangle that went horrible wrong, based on the face-down-in-her-own-filth angel right next door.

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This decoration neglect is barely forgivable as we enter the second week of 2014. What you do inside your own home is your business, but if it's on display for the neighborhood to see, that's an entirely different story. 

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Worse still - and I think we all know how I feel about reindeer antlers on cars when they're "functioning" (if that's what you'd call it) properly - and entirely inexcusable is when one antler is missing off your stupid PT Cruiser . Two antlers are bad enough, but one - thats just ridiculous, not to mention extraordinarily lazy.

Pack it in folks. Valentines Day is a month away. It's time to put away soggy red noses only to be replaced by  snoggy noses.