Let's be honest.

In two short weeks you better have something to pull out of your ass at the 11th hour.

Mom: Sure she changed your soiled pampers and loves you unconditionally - but when push comes to Mother's Day those nostalgic tidbits get swept under the rug (just like the dust bunnies you were supposed to sweep up back in 1988). So in the spirit of being a sub-par child, stick to what you do best - the bare minimum. 

New Mother's Day card. It smacks of thoughtlessness and is 100% available - email@sayitwithsarcasm for deets. A sweeter Mother's Day card can be purchased here: