Dim Wit

Like so many of my terrific yet consistently delusional ideas, this one too, was a colossal failure. Like the time I moved to London to seek my fortune, only to return two years later 25Lbs heavier with a cheese addiction and a significantly lighter wallet.

Anyway, lunch the other day was no different. Except that it was lunch and not a Pan-Atlantic move. Specifically it was Dim Sum. A great idea in theory. In practice however, pretty disgusting, except maybe for the shrimp dumplings.

I went with a work colleague (let's call her Trixie). On our lunch break we dashed across the street to Trixie's restaurant of choice. We sat down and she asked me what I like. I answered, shrimp dumplings and BBQ pork buns. I said "I do not care for chicken feet." And helpfully pointed to the table next to us and began mock gagging. Trixie asked if I ate meat. I almost said "I eat meat, not gristle." But sadly didn't. Should have, but didn't.

As the first selection of gristly knuckles on a bed of greasy rice arrived, I realized I had made a terrible mistake. My other mistake was saying "I'll try anything!" True, but a dreadful idea.

Turns out, save for custard tarts, the thrice mentioned shrimp dumplings and gallons of tea, Dim Sum is wholly, and on most levels disgusting. I don't know why I think I like it. I really don't

Dim Sum is an unsavoury medley of textures, of which I am highly sensitive. Taste I can tollerate. Texture I can't. Most everything was slimy, except for what can only be described as deep fried scrotum. If only it tasted as good. As someone who has in fact choked down (muffled snickering) prairie oysters, I can tell you, I'd take actual scrotum over this any day.

Taro: A root (I hope), had been mashed up into some pinkish paste, closely resembling sick, then moulded into a bizarre football/ball-sack shape, only to be flash fried to within an inch of it's life and in such a way that delicate, if not far too realistic hairs formed over the whole thing.

The only things I've eaten that were possibly more nauseating were . . . . and it's a toss up here (pun intended). Both French and both horrific. Traditional Andouillette (intestine wrapped vein "sausage") at the same time offal and awful. Secondly, Gristle and Mustard salad which did and exceedingly convincing impersonation of potato salad, but may actually be groins d'âne salad (literally, "donkey snout" salad). You can see my dilema.

Gross food is fine. As long as it's not on my plate masquerading as a meal.