I don't have cable. The Oscars were going to be a challenge this year. I began watching CTV's red carpet coverage via live stream on the internets. It was pathetic. It required reloading every 5 minutes, which was annoying enough. Yet I continued to watch, determined to get my fashion fix. However, I began caring less and less about the commentary spewing from the inflated lips of Canadian host Leah Miller. She has never looked worse. Her dress was more suited to the pageant circuit than the Oscars. Her face was pulled and puffed and (taking a cue from American host Nancy O'Dell) an otherwise pleasantly average looking woman now looks like a sideshow attraction. The fact that she was clueless (or her stylist was) made it difficult to listen to her thrust her mediocre opinions on the viewers. This torture lasted 35 minutes. After reaching my wits end I invited myself over to a friend’s place and proceeded to enjoy the Academy Awards the way God intended – with commercial breaks and poor editing.
Below is a synopsis of the fashion winners and losers --
On the Red Carpet (and after) --The major trends were metallic glittery columns for women (ie: Naomi Watts, Meryl Streep, Kimmy Gibbler (Stacy Kiebler), Renee Zellweger), and beards for men (Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin Phoenix, Paul Rudd, the list goes on) The lesser trends for women were trains that threatened to engulf the wearer (Amy Adams, Jennifer Lawrence and Sally Field) and overly exposed sternums and thighs (Samantha Barkes, Lianne Spiderbaby, Naomie Harris, Kelly Rowland)
The Fashion Winners -- Samantha Barks and her exquisite starburst necklace -- Why? Simplicity. Naomi Watts: Yes it heavily channeled Star Trek Voyager. Who cares, it was the perfect blend of glamor, subtlety and uniqueness.
The Fashion Losers – Match the Disaster! On Hello Vancity.
The Talking and Stuff -- Seth Macfarlane: amusing and barely scandalous (apparently I’m not a feminist). It could have been way worse. It could have been Anne Hathaway and James Franco again. zzzzzzzzzz
Notable Mentions -- Way to go Samuel L Jackson for not wearing a backwards Kangol hat.
Utter Confusion -- Chicago? Why, because it was the 10 year anniversary? Double zzzzzzzz
Montages -- 50 years of Bond. Yes, this makes sense. I was expecting something spectacular, I was expecting Sean Connery and Roger Moore to show up slow dancing with bikini clad Ursula Andress and Barbara Bach. And speaking of Bond Girls -- Halle Berry: she appeared in three clips throughout the montage and they missed Honor Blackman, Tanya Roberts and Jane Seymour. All of which were far more memorable Bond Girls. Really, Halle Berry three times? George Lazenby only got one clip and he was actually Bond for crying out loud! Three cheers for Shirlley Bassey, who almost saved the half-assed Bond montage. Great performance, however her dress should only be viewed at a distance.
As always, the Oscars provided me with hours of entertainment, albeit rather mediocre at times. Hollywood’s fashion choices never disappoint, good or bad. Nobody does it better.