Me Talk Pretty Stupid One Day

My first time interacting with a celebrity (if you don't count the time in London I asked Annie Lennox to please not breast feed while wearing the top she was trying on) was a colossal disaster.

It was a balmy spring night on the increasingly disgusting Granville Street and I had arrived at the Vogue Theatre with time to spare. En route to the ladies room I practically tripped over David Sedaris and his signing table. On my way back I realized the line for book signing was not unreasonable. I dragged myself up the stairs to the ends of the earth (line) and stood semi-patiently. I knew I was being set-up for failure when the producer of the show singled me out. (Thanks brand new luminescent velvet t-shirt.) He said that he was tasking me with telling people that tried to queue behind me to scram and that I was literally the "end of the line".  Not his words. He was much kinder. I told him he was making a big mistake and that I couldn't be trusted.

Long story short - I did a mediocre job and only pissed off one person in line. And that person was in front of me. From there it went from awkward to awkward as ass.

You know how you feel when you talk to a crush? The sweating, the garbled speech, the utter nonsense that vomits out of your face . . .  That was me when I finally got to the front of the line clutching my dog-eared copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day. 

I slapped down a piece of paper with my name written on it.

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"Hi, my name's a nightmare, here you go" (gracious opener right?)

He asked where the name originated (like everyone else on the GD planet). I replied Latvia and he said, "Oh I've been to one of it's neighbours."

"Lithuania? Estonia?"

"Estonia."

*useless agreeable nodding "I hear it's beautiful there. But Hitler did call Latvia's capital city Riga, "the Paris of the North . . . . . . . so . . . . " 

*tumbleweed

Mr Sedaris silently handed me my book.

I threw up on him and scurried away.

 

the end

 

I find it offensive

. . . offensive, that instagram has such a low opinion of me. 

The new instagram ads are currently the bane of my existence. The below is a sampling of the total garbage Instagram has targeted me with. 

1: Crocs - are you effing kidding me (see croc-a-doodle-eww)
2: Yellow Tail - sangria no less - finally suspicions about the dregs from leftover bottles being compiled into one vile vintage are confirmed.
3: shed-defender - i'm a cat person. fuck off.
4: weetabix - I'm gluten free. Kidding, but wheat makes me ultra gassy. Also: we da cyclists we da wtf? 

Instagram I loved you. every time i posted a pic of my little creations, then got a 'like' was akin to opening a wee pressie. Joy! Now - nightmares. Croc-wearing, yellow tail vomiting, dog hair gagging, convulsive farting nightmares. Sort out your algorithms for pete's sake. I WILL report the crap out of you. 

 

 

Dreadful

I'd love to get into the fashion hits and misses at tonight's Met Gala but I honestly can't get past the utter nonsense that is Jaden Smith and his bouquet of hair. Not just any hair, his own  (freshly shorn) dreadlocks. I didn't think the hugely misguided look could get worse. But I was wrong. Then he opened his mouth - exposing a heinous shit-eating grin of what I assume is 24k gold and multiple carats of diamonds fashioned into a vampiric grill.  

The meme world is going to go bananas tomorrow. No meme can touch the absurdity of clutching one's own hair.

Who even cares who designed the clothes he's wearing? Not me.

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enough already

What could make macaron even less appetizing? *

Car insurance. That's what. Macaron have officially jumped the shark thanks to Geico. Honestly. Can someone explain this to me?

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(ignoring the insipid flavors and colors)

Itsy returns

I have nothing against spiders. At least not the ones that aren't bitey and venomy. However arachnid tolerance only extends to specimens the size of my fingernail (including legs) Any bigger and mild panic sets in.*

My "roommate" kills spiders. I on the other hand, try and gently coax them out the window with bits of paper and tupperware. I do not condone the massacre of something that although super creepy, has done nothing but get in from the rain. But like I said, sometimes they're just too dang big. Case in point last night.

roommate pointed out a John Goodman size spider chilling on the bedroom sleeping.

"turn off the light, I'm sure it'll just stay there all night."
"Hilarious - get rid of it"
"If I'm getting rid of it I'm going to kill it."
"Like hell you are, it'll leave a stain."
"You get rid of it."
"Nooooooooo" (whining)

actual size.

actual size.

Cut to: me rummaging around in the recycling for containers and cardboard. I wandered back into the bedroom with my supplies. roommate thought this meant I was going to take care of it. But it was clear to him I didn't have a fully formed plan. Trap it on the ceiling and stand there for the rest of the night until it one of us lost consciousness was all I could think of. He snatched the container out of my hand and grabbed the broom. 

"i'll show you how this is done."
"DON'T KILL IT!"
"Relax, all you do is . . . ."

This is when he took the broom to the ceiling and swept the spider clear across the room, over the bed and into my hair. Okay, not in my hair, but it could've landed in my hair. It landed on the floor (miraculously) obviously stunned. Stunned maybe because of the flight or the high pitch screaming.

After a few more hilarious pretend to throw the spider at my roommate jokes, Itsy was set free by way of plummeting out the kitchen window. Phew.

Crawling into bed I hear "You know they go straight for your mouth when you sleep."

 

I'm sure it was the only one.
 

 

 

* move to Australia on the back-burner.

FASHION MONTH FW 2017/18

From this point on I'm declaring Autumn Winter 2017/18 as The Season of Z. Three of my favorite things are included in the season's trend line-up. And I'm as happy as a pig in shit about it.

As usual there are about 1000 bandwagons you can jump on for FW17/18. But the unequivocal thread is strait-jacket sleeves. I'll go out on a limb and say at least 75% of collections include at least three examples of this look. From finger-tip grazing & floor-dragging to face-masking (Rick Owens) if you only pick up on one thing for Fall - it's to add some real estate to your arms. (see the 230 images below) Anything goes, chunky knits, sequins or crisp shirting - the common denominator is length. And hey, If the permanence of a top with sleeves is freaking you the eff out try the underlying trend of arm warmers. It's happening. Thanks Paco rabanne & JW. Anderson. That's a big thumbs up.

Once you've got your sleeves sorted incorporate any of the below Sub categories.

  • asymmetry (by way of slouched shoulders, one sleeve, or high/low hems.)
  • velvet
  • primaries (especially yellow - I've been harping on this one for years)
  • key-hole cut-outs
  • herringbone, tartan, argyle - any print worn during The Hunt at Downton Abbey.

Honorable Mentions

primary school trends: Blankies and mittens with strings. 

That's it folks - If a couple hundred photos didn't convince you then you're beyond help. I tried. 

Happy Spring.

Oscars 2017

The 89th Academy Awards and another trip to Snoresville. The best part of the evening? The Rolex commercial that debuted during the broadcast.

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FASHION:
The red-carpet style has been getting increasingly boring as the years go on - and I think 2017 hit an all time low. So low, I honestly don't think there was anyone worth mentioning. I feel for those who actually had to commentate on the coma-inducing selection of gowns. On the bright side, the blandness in fashion meant the ACLU ribbons were that much more obvious.

SHOW:
For four hours I experienced little, save for pangs of disappointment every time La La Land won an award. Hugely overrated, this movie was many things, Oscar-worthy was not one of them. Watch any hollywood musical between 1950-1970 and tell me I'm wrong. Acting, singing, dancing - in all categories they were doing a superior job in the the 50's. When at long last we hit the evening's high - the announcement for best picture - I was thrilled and astounded that a colossal blunder meant the Oscar went to Moonlight.  A movie I have not seen (and probably won't see) but am confident the performances and production are far superior to la la - this based on 30 second clips shown during the Academy Awards. 

IN MEMORIUM:
If you've watched Love Actually as many times as I have, when Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now begins you're reduced to tears anyway. Now imagine there's a steady stream of beloved faces that you grew up with that are gone forever. Cue: sobbing.

All I know is next year we'll be celebrating 90 years of Academy Awards. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences better bring out the big guns. And if Donald Trump is still president (as I suspect he will be for 8 more years) they may literally have to.

 

Taste the rainbow.

Haute Couture SS17 -

Would I wear this? Probably not. Do I love it. Yes. 

Maison Margiela Artisanal SS17

Maison Margiela Artisanal SS17

Golden Globes 2017

Yes, I know I'm late to the review game. Better late than never I rarely say. Overall, my general thoughts were positive as the Golden Globes are inherently more interesting, fashion-wise, to the dumb ol' Oscars. And you can call me Tina if it isn't so. 

Below are my favorites and least, in no partcular order. 

My Top three: Center and from literal top to bottom - Louise Roe in Monique Lhuillier,  Caitriona Balfe in Delpozo and Ruth Negga in Louis Vuitton. Satellite favorites - counter-clockwise from left: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton, Annette Benning in Pamela Roland, Laura Dern in Burberry, and Natalie Portman in Prada. 

My Top three: Center and from literal top to bottom - Louise Roe in Monique Lhuillier,  Caitriona Balfe in Delpozo and Ruth Negga in Louis Vuitton. Satellite favorites - counter-clockwise from left: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton, Annette Benning in Pamela Roland, Laura Dern in Burberry, and Natalie Portman in Prada. 

Metallics, canaries & sternums oh my. The tiresome trends made their bi-yearly appearances on the red carpet. However there were exceptions to the sense-assaulting Zuhair Murads - notable metallics included Claire Foy, Ruth Negga and Anette Benning. Wearing Erdem, Louis Vuitton and Pamela Roland respectively. A notable yellow was worn by Jackie O, I mean Natalie Portman. Ahem. 

The White Wedding category: there were A LOT.

At long last I finally look like Sienna Miller. Or should I say she looks like me. This year she chose a look reminiscent of one of my bridal gown rejects (see above). 

  • SJP didn't  wear a terrible dress if you ignore its very literal reference to Carrie Bradshaw. 
  • Gillian Anderson, who despite a relatively unremarkable gown, was a vision of perfection.
  • Thandie Newton (remind me to tell you the story about how husband thinks he had a "moment" with her back in 2005) looked superb in Monse - taking the white theme away from the three-way-mirror and onto the red carpet thanks to a shimmering burst of amber sequins.
  • Louise Roe (last but certainly not least) wore a gown by Monique Lhuillier (a designer loved by bridesmaids the world over) and knocked it out of the park. This is the one instance exposed sternum + high slit worked beautifully. Do not try this at home - I promise, you will not pull it off. 

While many wore white and almost as many wore yellow a couple broke from the pack and did sublimely unique color. I'm still on the fence about Jessica Chastain's Wedgwood blue Prada, although my instinct is to love it. I'm no where near the fence in regards to Caitriona Balfe's two-tone navy and tomato  Delpozo. Subtle, dramatic and pinned together with just the right amount of sparkle. 

The One Trick Pony category: Almost as typical as their average dresses - Reese Witherspoon  and Amy Adams. yawning*          

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The Dog's Breakfast category:

Gucci (and the color pink) was not represented well by Felicity Jones and the disappointing and consistently terrible Zoe Saldana. Fortunately where Gucci failed Armani Privé-ailed. Mostly. The line was represented beautifully by a twinkling Noemi Harris, a velvety Theresa Palmer and a subtle Isabelle Huppert. At the opposite end of the Armani spectrum however, was the horrific custom gown on the cute-from-the-collar-bones-up Janelle Monáe.

Other notable mistakes included:

  • Anna Kendrick in a chestacular Vionnet. 
  • Casey Affleck - entirely due to his pubic hair  . . .  I mean facial hair. 
  • Carrie Underwood in Iris Serban and for continuing the plight of the color pink.  
  • If anyone can pull off Alexander McQueen RTW it's Nicole Kidman. Until now.
  • Sophie Turner: we all remember Judy Jetson right?

Bad outfit, shame on you. Horrible lighting, shame on the light tech. Was it the HD or the awful spots that made Steve Carell, Matt Damon & La La Land director Damien Chazelle look like they belonged in the ICU? Where some paled, others glowed. Perhaps an homage to Trump, perhaps poorly executed fake-and-bake - Either way Ryan Reynolds and Justin Theroux were an unappealing bordering-on-George-Hamilton shade of orange. Yeesh. 

So. What are we going to see at the Oscars, beside a whole lot of yawning? Because electric blue and red were at a minimum at the Golden Globes they will likely be at a maximum at the Academy Awards. Plus more yellow and emerald green. Think a primary school paint set. Also this isn't the last time we're going to see overindulgent slits. They just won't die. At least not before February 26th. Finally and predictably the Zuhair/Marchesa lace-metallic-sheer, kitchen sink dresses will be in abundance. I'm falling asleep just thinking about it.

Stay tuned and take every word I wrote as gospel. 

 

 

Listen . . .

Do you smell something?* 

Happy Hallowe'en Dummies!

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*Yes, I know this line is delivered by Dr. Raymond Stantz - not Peter Venkman. 

Pumpkin "spice"

Bad news you Starbucks loving dummies. I've figured it out.

Two words: Soylent Green.

For those who don't know. Soylent Green is a sci-fi movie from 1973. Is stars Charlton Heston so is predictably awful. Times are tough in 2022 but The Soylent corporation has introduced a delicious new food ration (Soylent Green) and a zillion New Yorkers are loving it! Too bad it's running out. 

Punchline: the good people of NYC have been unwittingly eating the good people of NYC.

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Haute Couture AW16

Relax. My bi-annual review of the Haute Couture shows is here.
It was a mixed bag. (see collage)

I’ll go as far as saying none of the collections were entirely terrible. Avant Garde to unintentionally comical (Maison Marigela) sure, predictably prom (Elie Saab) yes. But there was nothing overwhelmingly awful. Actually Guo Pei was hysterically awful.

Like I (and all fashion writers) always say – three makes a trend.  In the case of the ‘naked dress’ I think it’s safe to say it’s more of an epidemic. As usual we were beaten over the head with that tiresome look thanks to . . . almost everyone. In particular the lace and sequin encrusted numbers by Alexandre Vauthier, Zuhair Murad, and the bizarre "mother daughter" display from Elie Saab.

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Giambattista Valli –  At long last a slight diversion from his stereotypical floral mini skirts. This time it was less mod and more modest – with high collars opaque tights and full sleeves. Somewhere between the opulent Romanovs and Victorian romance, GBV gave me hope. Even though he ended the show with his predictable froth of tulle. Siiigh.

J. Mendel - killed it . . . literally. There was a crap-ton of fur.  Having said that it was easily one of my favorite collections. 

Schiaparelli  - breathtaking, and not in a Jerry Seinfeld sort of way.  Elizabeth I ‘s court jester goes to Studio 54 by way of the Big Top.  There was a LOT going on – but done in a miraculously cohesive way. This is the only show I watched multiple times.

Maison Margiela – Possibly the only collection that didn’t deliberately reference an historical theme. Instead, like a seagull caught in a beer ring Galliano’s latest effort was tightly tangled in a fishing narrative. Like a mess of flotsam hauled up from the ocean floor, there were nets, plastic and semi-digested feathers adorning everything from slickers to bonnets.  I didn’t hate it.

Viktor & Rolf - One word; Hobo. The good kind. It was a rags to literal riches story. Think Hollywood’s Artful Dodger - complete with jaunty bedraggled top hat and pockets full of buttons and jewels. But with way more ruffles.

Valentino - Big news Maria Grazia Churi is leaving Pier Paolo Piccoli and Maison Valentino for Dior.  Here’s hoping the rock-stud shoes go with her. This will be their last Haute Couture show as co-creative directors.  The show was a blatant, albeit gorgeous nod to the fashion stylings of Elizabethan England.  The only thing missing was a chopping block and Anne of Cleaves (yes I know she wasn’t beheaded but I need a segue). 

And speaking of Cleaves . . . here are the trends as I see them.

Cleavage cut outs:
Several designers not so subtly pointed directly to the chesticles by way of triangular cut outs.

Elizabethan:
bloomers, ermine, full sleeves, corsets, tufting, tapestry the list goes on.

Victorian:
encompassing the full spectrum of the era from early vic with enormous full skirts, collapsed shoulders, and elongated bodices to the latter Vic of lace, high collars and puff sleeves.

Medieval:  
fur, Dalmatian sleeves, buttons, chainmaille(ish) 

Ruffs: 
Who needs a bib when you’ve got a ruff? As chic as they looked on the catwalk I couldn’t help drawing parallels between ruffs and these.

Puff Sleeves: 
Anne Shirley would’ve gone berserk for AW16 Haute Couture. Puff sleeves abound and in degrees from subdued to buoyant.

Pomo:
When the 70’s just won’t do. pastels to neon, power suits and un underlying vague element of sleaziness. The decade of excess ornament prevailed. Again.

Underpants:
It’s been 3 years. We get it. 

Cold Shoulders: 
After exposing pretty much everything, designers are hanging on for dear life to the exposed shoulder. And frankly, I can’t get enough. This season it was less about the cut-away and more about a subtle to dramatic slouch.

Collar Bones:  
Sweet-heart, scoop and square - wide necklines put those ever-so titillating clavicles on display.

Swashes of Taffeta:
it’s happening. see Pomo.

A collection of my top pics. If you agree with 50% of them you have superb taste. 

Swoon

The single worst thing to hit the catwalk since Rick Owens 'human backpack' fiasco. 

Gag